By Michael Ortoll, Founder of the Christine Ortoll Charity
When I lost my daughter to a fentanyl overdose, the pain was unimaginable. In her honor, I founded a charity that produces award-winning media to help people seek recovery and heal from trauma. Through this journey, I’ve come to understand that one of the most harmful, yet often overlooked, forms of emotional trauma is parental alienation. It’s a type of emotional abuse that can have lasting consequences for children, and it’s something that must be addressed to protect their well-being.
Parental alienation occurs when one parent intentionally turns a child against the other parent, often through manipulation, negative comments, or encouraging rejection. While the parents may be in conflict, the real victim is the child. Parental alienation can create deep emotional wounds that leave scars for life, affecting a child's mental health, self-esteem, and their ability to form healthy relationships.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is a process in which one parent (the alienating parent) undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent (the targeted parent). This can happen through subtle actions like making negative remarks about the other parent or more overt behaviors, such as encouraging the child to reject contact or affection from the other parent. While it may seem like a way for the alienating parent to cope with their own pain from the separation or divorce, the impact on the child is profound and damaging.
Children caught in the middle of parental alienation are often forced to choose sides, creating internal conflict and emotional stress. This manipulation can lead to confusion, guilt, anger, and deep emotional wounds that follow them into adulthood.
The Emotional Consequences of Parental Alienation
The impact of parental alienation on children is severe and long-lasting. Here are some of the emotional consequences that children may experience when they are subjected to this form of manipulation:
Loss of a Relationship with the Targeted Parent
One of the most obvious consequences of parental alienation is the breakdown of the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. This loss can create a void in the child’s life, leading to feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and confusion. In many cases, children may struggle to form or maintain healthy relationships in the future.
Internal Conflict and Guilt
Children are naturally inclined to love both parents, and when they are forced to choose between them, it creates an internal conflict that can be incredibly harmful. They may feel guilty for loving the targeted parent, or they may feel compelled to reject them to maintain the approval of the alienating parent. This emotional tug-of-war can lead to anxiety, depression, and a damaged sense of self-worth.
Emotional Distress and Insecurity
Children who experience parental alienation are often left feeling insecure and uncertain about their place in the world. The emotional manipulation can leave them questioning their own feelings, leading to confusion and distress. Over time, this insecurity can impact their ability to trust others and form stable relationships.
Mental Health Struggles
The long-term impact of parental alienation can be devastating for a child’s mental health. Children who experience this form of emotional abuse are at higher risk for developing depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. They may also struggle with substance abuse, as they seek ways to cope with the unresolved pain and confusion from their childhood.
How to Avoid Parental Alienation
While divorce or separation is painful for parents, it’s crucial to remember that children are often the ones who suffer the most. Avoiding parental alienation is about putting your child’s emotional well-being first and protecting them from unnecessary harm. Here are some ways to prevent parental alienation and ensure that your child can maintain healthy relationships with both parents:
Encourage Open Communication
Even if your relationship with your ex-partner is strained, it’s important to encourage open communication between your child and the other parent. Let your child express their feelings freely and without fear of judgment. Reassure them that it’s okay to love both parents, and avoid asking questions that could make them feel like they have to take sides.
Avoid Negative Comments
It can be tempting to vent your frustrations about your ex-partner, but doing so in front of your child can cause more harm than good. Negative comments about the other parent can create confusion and resentment in your child, making them feel torn between loyalty and love. Keep adult conversations separate from your interactions with your child, and always speak positively about the other parent in their presence.
Promote Positive Relationships
Your child deserves a strong and healthy relationship with both parents. Encourage your child to spend time with the other parent and show them that you support their relationship. By promoting a positive relationship with the other parent, you’re giving your child the chance to form secure emotional bonds that will benefit their development and well-being.
Seek Professional Help
If parental alienation has already begun, or if you’re struggling to manage your emotions during a separation, seeking the help of a therapist or counselor is essential. Professionals can offer guidance on how to co-parent effectively and help you navigate the challenges of divorce without putting your child in the middle.
Helping Children Heal and Thrive
At our charity, we’re committed to producing media that not only inspires people to seek recovery but also educates families about the importance of emotional health. We’ve learned through our work that addressing emotional trauma early can prevent it from manifesting in dangerous ways, like substance abuse or mental health disorders.
Parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse that can have lasting consequences, but by taking steps to avoid it, we can help children heal and thrive. Protecting their emotional well-being during a divorce is one of the greatest gifts we can give them, and it’s a vital part of breaking the cycle of pain that often leads to addiction and self-destruction.
My daughter’s story is a heartbreaking reminder of what can happen when unresolved emotional trauma goes untreated. But in her memory, we are working to ensure that no other child has to carry the weight of emotional manipulation. Through awareness, education, and the creation of inspiring media, we are helping families navigate difficult times in a way that promotes healing rather than harm.
Final Thoughts
Divorce or separation is never easy, but as parents, we have a responsibility to protect our children from the emotional damage that can arise from parental alienation. By fostering positive relationships, avoiding negative comments, and encouraging open communication, we can ensure that our children emerge from this difficult experience stronger, healthier, and ready to thrive.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of parental alienation, know that help is available. Our charity is here to provide resources and inspiration for healing. Let’s work together to create a future where children are free from the pain of emotional manipulation and can grow up with the love and support, they need to thrive.
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