By Michael Ortoll, Founder of the Christine Ortoll Charity
When my daughter passed away from a fentanyl overdose, my world changed forever. In her honor, I founded a charity to help others navigate the difficult paths of trauma and addiction, creating media that inspires healing and recovery. Along this journey, I’ve come to understand how deeply childhood trauma, like the emotional scars of divorce, can impact a child’s future—and why it’s so critical to address these wounds early to help them heal and thrive.
The Hidden Impact of Divorce on Children
Divorce can feel like a relief for parents who are no longer able to live together in harmony, but for children, it often represents a fracture in their world. The emotional impact of divorce on children can be profound, even if it’s not immediately visible. While adults may think they’re shielding their kids from the worst of it, children often internalize feelings of abandonment, confusion, and guilt. They may ask themselves: Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? This internal struggle can create emotional wounds that last long into adulthood.
In my own life, I witnessed how unresolved pain from my divorce affected my daughter. Like many children, she didn’t openly talk about her feelings, but the pain was there. Over time, the emotional turmoil took its toll, and as she grew older, she turned to substances like fentanyl to numb the pain she couldn’t express. Sadly, her story isn’t unique.
The effects of divorce on children can lead them down dangerous paths if their emotional needs aren’t addressed. But it’s not just about avoiding harmful behaviors—it’s about helping them heal, grow, and thrive, despite the challenges they face.
Common Emotional Reactions in Children of Divorce
Every child reacts to divorce differently, but there are common emotional responses that many children experience:
Feelings of Abandonment
When one parent moves out, children may feel abandoned or worry that the other parent might leave too. These fears can create insecurity that affects their emotional and social development.
Guilt and Self-Blame
It’s not uncommon for children to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. They might believe their behavior or actions contributed to the breakup, leading to feelings of guilt and shame.
Anger and Resentment
Children may feel angry at one or both parents for the divorce, and this anger can manifest in behavioral issues at home or in school.
Confusion and Uncertainty
Divorce can throw a child’s sense of stability into chaos. They may be unsure about their living arrangements, future holidays, or how they fit into their parents’ new lives, which can create anxiety and confusion.
Loss of Trust in Relationships
Witnessing the breakdown of a marriage can make children question the stability of relationships in general, affecting their ability to form healthy connections later in life.
Helping Children Heal
While the effects of divorce can be significant, they don’t have to define a child’s future. There are steps parents and caregivers can take to help children heal from the emotional wounds of divorce, allowing them to process their pain and ultimately thrive. Here are a few key approaches:
Create a Safe Space for Communication
Children need to feel safe expressing their emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, or fear. Encourage open communication by regularly checking in with your child, asking them how they feel, and reassuring them that their emotions are valid. Let them know they’re not to blame for the divorce, and their feelings won’t change your love and commitment to them.
Consistency and Stability
Divorce often disrupts the daily routine of a child’s life, and one of the best ways to help them feel secure is by creating consistency. Establish regular schedules for visitations, meals, and activities to provide a sense of stability. Children feel safer when they know what to expect, even in the face of big changes.
Seek Professional Support
Sometimes children need more support than parents can provide alone. Therapy or counseling with a professional experienced in divorce-related trauma can be incredibly beneficial for helping children process their emotions in a healthy way. This extra support can prevent emotional issues from spiraling into destructive behaviors later in life.
Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Children often learn how to cope with difficult emotions by observing their parents. If they see their parents handling the divorce with emotional maturity, seeking support when needed, and managing stress in healthy ways, they’ll be more likely to adopt similar behaviors. Show them that it’s okay to ask for help and take care of their mental health.
Encourage Positive Relationships with Both Parents
Whenever possible, encourage your child to maintain strong relationships with both parents. Children thrive when they feel loved and supported by both parents, even if the marriage has ended. Avoid putting them in the middle of conflicts or speaking negatively about your ex-partner in front of them.
Thriving After Divorce
Healing from the effects of divorce is a process, but with the right support, children can not only recover—they can thrive. Through the media our charity produces, we aim to provide families with the tools, resources, and inspiration to overcome trauma and lead fulfilling lives. We share stories of recovery, not just from addiction, but from the emotional scars that so often precede it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my own experience, it’s that unresolved pain doesn’t go away on its own. It festers and grows, finding its way into every corner of a person’s life. By addressing the emotional wounds of divorce early, we can help children heal before the pain turns into something far more destructive.
My daughter’s story is a painful reminder of what can happen when those wounds go untreated, but through her memory, we’re working to create a future where families can heal together, where children can grow up free from the weight of unresolved trauma, and where recovery is possible for everyone.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is hard, but it doesn’t have to leave a lasting scar on your child’s future. By addressing their emotional needs with care and support, you can help them not only heal but thrive in the aftermath of separation. If you or someone you know is navigating the challenges of divorce and struggling to support a child through it, our charity is here to help. Let’s come together to protect the emotional well-being of the next generation and inspire recovery, one family at a time.
Let’s work together to heal.
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